As of Monday, Miss F will be going to a daycare center. While this is temporary, it's really pulling at my heart strings.
The backstory: I worked for four years at a high school. I anticipated taking a year off when Miss F was born, and coming back for this current school year. But there were no positions. Last night, I received a phone call asking me to cover for a teacher with terrible morning sickness. We are worse than living paycheck-to-paycheck right now, and we really need the money. On top of that, it would allow me to a) determine if I ever want to go back to teaching while I have young kids and b) allow me to take a break from my night job. I've been getting seriously burnt out with my night job.
So I agreed to take the job, and immediately started calling around about daycare options. I had tried to find family and friends first, but no one was able to take Miss F during the day. I managed to find a center who had come highly recommended. Daycare is surprisingly much cheaper than I realized, so financially this is a good move for us.
I talked about my fears of feeling like a bad mom for this move on a forum in which I post. Many people were supportive, but some got really offended by my distaste for daycare. I understand others need to work and/or want to work outside of the home, but we've always said it wasn't for us. While their posts upset me, they really made me think.
And I realized why I'm afraid.
I'm afraid that my little girl will look for someone else when she's hurt. I'm afraid that I'll miss out on her milestones. But mostly, I'm afraid they'll do a better job than I do.
I'm not worried that daycare will make me a bad mom. I'm worried that I'll find out I am a bad mom because she does so much better in daycare than with me. Maybe she'll be more social. Maybe she'll learn words more quickly. Maybe she'll pick up baby signs, which I haven't gotten to work.
I always worry that I'm not good enough (story of my life). And while I always smile and thank people for compliments, I can never seem to let them sink through. Instead, I have irrational fears. Miss F didn't clap until she was 10 months, and she still doesn't really roll a ball across the room. Both of these were milestones that the pediatrician asked about. Was it because I didn't practice with her enough? Was I not giving her the proper tools and stimulation at the right time? Is she delayed in some way that I'm not aware of? Or is she just a normal kid moving at her own pace?
So into daycare she'll go for six weeks, supposing the teacher who is out sick comes back when planned. I'm going to try to stop mourning this as a loss and see it as an opportunity. If nothing else, I'll come back to being a SAHM with a renewed outlook and appreciation of my life.
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Have you seen this? You're a good mom.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.duchessoffork.com/2013/05/youre-a-good-mom/
Every. Child. Is. Different!
ReplyDeleteCan you tell the difference when you look at two 5 year olds as to which one walked at 11 months and the other and 15 months or whether they rolled balls across rooms at 10 months?? NO.
You are good enough. You nurture your child, keep her clean, dressed, warm and fed (with lovely natural, nutritious foods). I am sure you play with her, talk to her, show her things around the place, interact with her. She looks like a bright eyed, inquisitive child. You are doing a great job!
I put both my girls into childcare after they were 6 months old for work reasons and also just to give me a break too. They hit their milestones, were social and loved going to childcare. Childcare set them up to start kindergarten which then set them up to start primary school. There weren't too many tears on the first days because they had been socialised.
Maybe you could talk to your health nurse (where you take Miss F for her health checks) about your concerns. I am sure she would put your mind at rest.
You are good enough, really.
Cheers - Joolz xx