Saturday, June 12, 2010

And It Begins - Paradoxes

I've been weaning off of my anxiety medication for the past two weeks or so. Last night was the first night that I've had a recurrence in my old symptoms. It's not as bad as it has been in the past, but then again, I'm still taking half a pill every other day until Tuesday. I have a really hard time not looking up symptoms. I know that by researching (something I love to do), I make my symptoms worse. It's like scratching a mosquito bite until it bleeds. It feels so good, but it hurts so bad.

Last night, my problem was general worry. Some of my side effects haven't disappeared yet, and I was afraid they were permanent. I was afraid that I had permanently damaged myself by being on medication that changed my body chemistry. By watching House tonight, I got a little paranoid about diabetes and heart disease. Again, it wasn't as bad as it has been in the past. But it does worry me a bit. When I get worried, my heart beats erratically and I have gastrointestinal issues.

I often worry that I'll never be normal. I'll either be saddled with awful side effects, or I'll be a hypochondriac. I've never used that word seriously before. But it's true. People throw the term around willy-nilly. I know I have. It's hard to think of myself in those terms. There are so many things tangled up in my head, I'm not sure what causes the problems I have. I've known for quite some time that I had a problem with anxiety, but I've never narrowed it down to hypochondria. That thought is both freeing and damning at the same time. It's like life is one giant paradox right now, and I'm not sure what to feel anymore.

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