Happy Birthday for My Mommy

My mommy turned the big 5-0 yesterday. I made a turkey roast, and my brother came over with his girlfriend to make asparagus risotto. It started to snow around noon, but it didn't look too bad. By the time my mom and dad left my dad's house, the roads were impassable. After cooking all this food, my parents couldn't make it down here. My poor mommy spent her birthday trying to get to work without spinning out.

Instead, they came down this morning and we all went out to breakfast. It was a pretty good time. We tracked down a Wii Fit for her. She was so happy. She also took home a whole cake that I made - lemon with chocolate icing. Everyone always thinks it's gross until they actually try it.

Tonight, since we ate 2/3 of the turkey roast last night, I will be making turkey pot pie again. It is oh-so-delicious.

Guilt

Just after we moved, we had a system in place. *B* worked part time, so he did the laundry, dishes, and some general cleaning. I worked full time, so I'd do the big cleaning (mopping, vacuuming) on the weekends. I felt like I got the better end of the deal, but he liked it and it worked. Since the new year, *B* has been working full time, and tonight starts his first master's class (so proud!). I haven't really picked up the slack work-wise. It's not that I refuse to do any work, it's just that I'm so wrapped up in figuring what the heck is wrong with my head (and my recent back pain) that I don't really see the mess. On Sunday, I felt so awful for not helping that I cleaned the living room on my hands and knees despite the searing pain.

Due to a traumatic (and I now realize, abusive) prior relationship, I've also had a hard time being emotionally and physically close. He is very patient - probably the most patient guy I've ever met. But I feel so guilty because every time he kisses or snuggles on the couch, I get anxious and I shy away. My inadequacies as a fiancee have taken over my waking thoughts, and now even my dreams. I had a dream last night that he presented me with a list of my short-comings. While he would never do that, I feel horrible. My job is suffering because I only want to go home. When I get home, I can't relax because I keep obsessing over how inadequate I am. It's gotten to the point (and it's never happened with him) that I'm wondering why he's choosing to marry me.

How does one break this vicious cycle? Would one good weekend of being an amazing fiance followed by as many helpful and loving gestures as I can muster make me stop worrying? I do plan on joining in on Momzoo's effort to show love to our men. Is that enough?

Virtual Privacy

Yesterday, a current student told me that a former student was a Kennedy. So tonight, bored, I checked it out, and it's true. There are a number of prominent families at our school, so I looked them up to see if their families were famous in any way. What I found instead bothered me greatly. I googled the last name, and a facebook group page came up. It contained the cell phone numbers of many of my former and current students! They are smart enough to make their profiles private, but when a friend makes a public group because he lost his cell phone, they all posted their numbers for the world to see! Should I tell the administration? Warn the kids I know?

Owie

I've majorly hurt my back three times in my life. This is my third time, about three months after the second time. In the morning, I can't hardly move. At night, I'm almost okay. This morning, *B* had to help me out of bed. If I were alone, I would have had to roll off the bed and hit the floor after a 3 foot drop. The worst part is that it keeps me from going to the gym. I really want to go, but I know that it will just aggravate the injury. I didn't sleep well last night. We have a memory foam mattress topper, and every time I turned I got a stabbing pain. Tonight, I'm sleeping on the couch. I'm hopeful that it will help even me out. Are there any home remedies for back pain?

A God Week

Afterthought: I always proofread my posts before I publish them. While the title on this was supposed to be "A Good Week," I think the title that came about instead seems more appropriate.

I think it has been a good week. Monday was a free day (yay!), Tuesday was a repeat of last week, Wednesday and Thursday we did a lab, and Friday was Right to Life Day. On Thursday, my school had a dress down day for Haiti. We raised (drumroll) $15,800!!! I couldn't believe my ears. People donated way past the $5 minimum to dress down. The money went to the brotherhood who sponsors our school. They have been working in Haiti for some time, so they have some idea of how to best help. It may go to immediate relief, or it could go to rebuilding. Either way, I know it goes to a good cause.

Yesterday was the anniversary of the Roe vs. Wade decision. Our school allows (encourages) students to go the the March for Life in DC by taking buses down and having chaperons. More than half our school went. I stayed behind as I did last year. For those of us at school, we watched a gorgeous movie, Bella. It's described as a pro-life movie, but I'd describe it simply as a great movie. I highly recommend it. Afterward, we had mass. After lunch, a man from Ghana came to talk to us about Catholic Relief Services. He was touched personally by their efforts as his parents and two brothers died from starvation, and his older brother ran away. Now, with their help, he has a masters degree and works for them, stressing the importance of education to liberate people from poverty and distress. Finally, we had a concert by Tony Melendez and the Toe Jam Ministry.
He was a thalidomide baby from Nicaragua. He plays the guitar with his feet. He really is amazing. While he wasn't as good as the guest from last year (Jesse Manibusen), I still liked him.

I think I've just about figured out where I stand on the pro-life/pro-choice issue. I don't believe I could ever have an abortion. I think that unbiased education, not slanted arguments like "abortion causes breast cancer," is key to saving lives. I think that crisis pregnancy centers, adoption agencies, and yes, even planned parenthood can help reduce the need for abortions. We can't outlaw abortions while ignoring the causes of the pregnancies. Women who are desperate enough will have the procedure done. Beyond my strong belief in unbiased prenatal counseling, I don't want the government having that much control over my body. We should convince people not to do something, not forbid them from doing something.

Today, *B* and I proctored the SATs at my school. I usually do it, but *B* decided to go too and donate his pay to the wedding fund. Such a sweet guy!

I managed to read a book and a half today. The first book I read was Sarah's Key by Tatiana de Rosnay. It was so great. It's split between a young Jewish girl living in 1942 Paris and a 45 year old American expat living in ~2000 Paris. I highly recommend it. The other book I was working on I'm still on the fence about. It's Revolutionary Road by Richard Yates. I've started it three times now. I'm about half way through, but I'm not entirely sure why it's supposedly such a great book. It definitely doesn't draw me in the way Sarah's Key did. Once I finish, I'll decide whether or not I liked it.

The Sweet Intoxication of Preparedness

I decided to go back and take a look at our preparedness plan tonight. I knew that Evie wasn't on there, but I also knew that I had made it for the house we have now. So I went back to ready.gov and went through their plan/identity card forms. Oh, how I love making plans! I use the PACE acronym for our evacuation plans - Primary, Alternative, Contingency, and Emergency. You would not believe all that I have put into it. But I really do like it. Maybe this summer I could work for FEMA or MEMA (our state agency).

But I Don't Want to Go To School! And Other Random Ravings

Isn't it awful that I'm 24 years old and still saying that? This week won't be so bad. I had off today, and Friday is the March for Life in DC, so I really only teach three days this week. My grades are due tomorrow, though, and some of my kids need to do makeup work from a religious retreat they were on.

I think the reason that I don't want to go to work all the time is that there's so much to be done here at home. I still need to put another coat of paint up in the bathroom, rip the border down in the bedroom, paint the bedroom, and organize the office. The office is the hardest because I need to tear apart my desk and donate it. The last time we donated to our local thrift shop, they told us we need to call first because they have too much stuff. I need to figure out what the theme of the office will be before I can really decorate it. We still have the old curtains in each room. In some rooms, they work. In others, they are really out of place. The office is one of those places.

I went to the gym today. I feel so bad, which is out of the ordinary for me. Usually, I feel really, really good after I go. I guess it's because I tried to make up for not going for 6 days in one weekend. I was also kind of bummed when I hopped on the scale today and realized I have not lost one pound since starting at the gym. It seems like I'm really going to need to buckle down on my foods if I want any results.

One thing I really want to do is get pictures for my picture frame that is to go on my desk at school. My therapist said it would be good to have reminders of home at work. I bought the frames, but I have no ink in my printer. I'm going to need to go to Walmart to have them printed. One frame has three different picture spots, so I need to figure out the sizes and orientations with respect to the pictures I have. I'm just hoping that I get it done in time to enjoy it before the end of the school year.