Thursday, January 28, 2010


Just after we moved, we had a system in place. *B* worked part time, so he did the laundry, dishes, and some general cleaning. I worked full time, so I'd do the big cleaning (mopping, vacuuming) on the weekends. I felt like I got the better end of the deal, but he liked it and it worked. Since the new year, *B* has been working full time, and tonight starts his first master's class (so proud!). I haven't really picked up the slack work-wise. It's not that I refuse to do any work, it's just that I'm so wrapped up in figuring what the heck is wrong with my head (and my recent back pain) that I don't really see the mess. On Sunday, I felt so awful for not helping that I cleaned the living room on my hands and knees despite the searing pain.

Due to a traumatic (and I now realize, abusive) prior relationship, I've also had a hard time being emotionally and physically close. He is very patient - probably the most patient guy I've ever met. But I feel so guilty because every time he kisses or snuggles on the couch, I get anxious and I shy away. My inadequacies as a fiancee have taken over my waking thoughts, and now even my dreams. I had a dream last night that he presented me with a list of my short-comings. While he would never do that, I feel horrible. My job is suffering because I only want to go home. When I get home, I can't relax because I keep obsessing over how inadequate I am. It's gotten to the point (and it's never happened with him) that I'm wondering why he's choosing to marry me.

How does one break this vicious cycle? Would one good weekend of being an amazing fiance followed by as many helpful and loving gestures as I can muster make me stop worrying? I do plan on joining in on Momzoo's effort to show love to our men. Is that enough?

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