Sadness for Dasha

Dasha, our Roborovski hamster, was found to have left this world yesterday. We buried her near the homestead pet cemetery beside some grape vines in a simple service. While she was very independent, she was a good hamster. She will be missed.

Today has been a grumpy day. Short of being totally alone, I was absolutely mopey. I know it has to do with the idea of staying in someone else's house for another 2+ weeks. Don't get me wrong - I'm really grateful. But I'm also really sick of it.

One Book Finished, Back to Daydreaming

I finished The Shack. It was a fantastic book. I loved it so much that it will probably end up being a re-read.

I want to move into my house so bad. I was looking at Facebook pictures of someone who graduated high school a year before me. She just had her first son. Everyone and everything in those pictures looks so clean and happy. The family looks like everyone gets along so well. I want a life like that. My family can be so dysfunctional.

What I Want:
A place where I can be by myself
A garden
Cleanly painted and decorated rooms
Someone to coo over
To feel clean and light

What I Need:
To remember that I am fortunate
To remember that I love and am loved
To be more grateful for what I have
To remember nothing is ever as it seems

Wowie Wicket!

While I was gone, an amazing transformation has taken place. My cat is sweet! She isn't bothering the other animals, she's giving me love and attention, she walks around the whole house. It's amazing considering how angry she was when we first got here.

We roughly have 17 days or so until we move into the house. I'm really hopeful that everything will work out. I've been trying to clean here as much as I can so that I can pull my weight around here. While it's been fairly easy to keep the kitchen clean, I can't find a vacuum, so I can't clean the living room like I wanted. I think it'd be really awesome if I could get a couch slip cover as a present for letting us stay here.

I'd really like to start making food gifts for people. I like the veggie breads where you layer the dry ingredients in a mason jar. The hard part for veggie breads is that the most time consuming step - grating the veggies - can't be done ahead of time. I think I'll make cookie jars, hot chocolate mixes, and breads. It might be nice to make herb mixes, too.

I'm a little bit slower on my reading of The Shack than I thought I'd be, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. I'm really trying to take in the lessons this book is presenting. My favorite passage so far has to do with the garden. In this passage, Mack and Sarayu walk to a garden behind the shack. It is a mess and chaotic, but also pretty. Together, they clear out a section of the garden. Then, they dig up poisonous roots that corrupt the ground. It is made apparent that the garden is, in fact, Mack's soul.

I like the idea of the soul as a garden. I intend to meditate on this, visualizing the removal of poisonous roots for the growth of beautiful plants. Everyone has poisonous roots in their hearts, eating at them and preventing the growth of truth and beauty. My roots are centered around judgment, arrogance, insecurity, anxiety, and fear. In the coming weeks, I will work especially hard to rid myself of these poisons.

A Relaxing Trip and Some Itchy Housemates

I just got back from a really relaxing trip to Florida. I went to a conference down in St. Petersburg. I learned a lot, and I got some great beach time. It was so peaceful. The water was green and so warm. I really swam twice, and got to the beach every day. The food was awesome, too.

The thing I'm most pleased about is that I read TWO whole books on my trip: You or Someone Like You by Chandler Burr and Serena by Ron Rash. YOSLY was great, better than I expected. Serena was good, but I didn't love it like I thought it would. On the recommendation of another teacher on the trip, I bought The Shack by William Young. So far, it's fantastic. I'm hoping to finish it tonight or tomorrow.

As I'm writing this post, I'm itching like crazy. We're petsitting someone's dog, and she brought fleas with her! They're driving me NUTS!!!!! So much for my relaxation time...

Not Again!

As alluded to earlier, *B* and I are buying a house together. We have talked about how we're going to get engaged when we can afford it. I really don't want to be too anxious and pushy about it. He was the one who brought it up. But we have these times where we talk about it all the time, and times when we don't talk about it at all. One thing we determined was that he'd ask my dad far in advance because a) my dad was looking forward to being asked and b) I didn't anyone to know before I did. Today, he mentioned talking to my dad soon. Now I'm anxious again! I know it's because I want to be engaged to him, not just because I want to be engaged. I had just made it to the point where I wasn't thinking/obsessing over it so much. I want to be at the stage where I've stopped thinking about it and don't expect it. But now I'm starting over again! Ugh, I'm babbling...

Planning for Tomorrow

Tomorrow, if the weather is good, I'm going on a surprise trip to Cunningham Falls or DC. The weather is supposed to be much cooler at the Falls, but there's a chance of rain in both places around 3 pm. I haven't decided which I'm going to do. Either way, it's going to be a fun day.

Today, we opened a joint checking account for the house. Though we talked about it, it seemed like it was no big deal just to go out and make such a big financial commitment. I'm really worn out on the whole house idea. We went to Ikea today, and I had no more energy to dream about what it'll be like. We can't buy furniture now, and won't be able to afford it after we get the house.

Above all, I can't wait until I can have flat, sturdy surfaces on which I can eat and work. For the past two years, I haven't had a kitchen table. For the past month, I have been without a desk. For the next month, I'll be without that and without a real mattress. It will be a test of strength of mind (and to some extent body) as I give up those things that I've taken for granted before. The first things that are going into the house are the bed, the couch, the kitchen table, and the desks. Even if nothing else makes it in the house, I would be happy.

One Era Over, A New One Begins

Yesterday, we moved out of the apartment. We got out just before five o'clock. It was so empty by the time we were done. It hasn't really set in that we'll never go back there. Last night, we slept on two air mattresses with our stuff piled all around. We're really lucky that we have loving and generous people to stay with. I plan on helping around the house as much as possible. Today, I made zucchini bread with the last of my zucchini. Before I go to bed I'm going to clean up around the house. Everybody in the house is a morning person, so I'm the only one up even though it's just after 10pm.

I mapped out my summer schedule during class today, and it appears that after my last class finishes up (July 16th), I am totally done until we go to Arizona. I go to Florida on Tuesday (woo hoo!). I leave Tuesday and get back on Friday. It will be both educational and fun.

Wicket is not a happy camper. She does not get along well with other animals, and has made that very clear. She refuses to come out of the bathroom. When she does venture out, she hisses and growls at everyone. I'm hopeful that through the course of the month we're here, she might become a little more tolerant of other animals and other people.

Awww!

I have the cutest cat! Because she's fairly sheltered, she doesn't see a whole lot of bugs. As we've been moving, some flies have gotten in. When she finally saw a fly, she started making mewing/choking sounds. At first I freaked out, thinking she was hurt, but once I saw her jet across the room I understood.


Tonight is the last night in our apartment. There's still sooo much to do. Most of the things left to pack are just normal junk that doesn't fit in anywhere else. But I have the pantry and the bedroom closet totally cleaned out. I'm waking up early to try to pack what I can of the rest of it. At this point, I can't actually imagine us getting into the house. There's so much going on and so much to do before that comes.

It's coming up on the last week of school for me. I go to Florida in a little over a week. I've got one project that is super easy that I'm procrastinating on and one project that scares the crap out of me that I haven't started yet. The first one's due tomorrow, and I'm not worried at all. The second one is due Wednesday, and it's a nightmare.

A mental vacation - in two months, I'll be sitting on my deck, drinking iced tea in my patio furniture. It's dusk, and the fireflies are out. Birds chirp and flit from tree to tree. The air is just beginning to cool from the long, warm day. Candles make it possible to see just as it's getting a little too dark. The radio plays softly in the background, and all is right with the world.

Ugh...Just ugh...

I feel so awful. I've had massive headaches all over for the past two days. My heart has been going haywire. I know some of it's stress, but I'm worried that some of it is my anxiety meds. I have to call the doctor first thing in the morning.

As expected, I blew off all ideas of eating healthy today. I really just need to survive this move. We took a bunch of stuff over today. I can't believe how much is still here. I don't know how we're going to fit everything in.

I'm now kind of freaking out about how I'm going to pay for school. I was supposed to fix my tax return when we got the house, and try to get financial aid. Because we aren't getting the house yet, that really changes all my plans. All I can do is hope everything will work out okay.

House Issues and Bread Disaster

I've resigned myself to the fact that we're moving in with the 'rents for a month. No one on Earth can give us a mortgage until 60 days before my raise (July 16th). Most of our stuff is over there already. Even though we took two car loads over yesterday, we didn't pack a single thing today. We just laid around the entire day.

I did, however, endeavor to use food we don't eat a lot so that we didn't have to take it with us. I made chicken with a grape marsala sauce that was actually really good. But earlier in the day, I decided to make bread with the last little bit of flour I had. I had just enough with a tad left over. So I made the dough according to a recipe I found on Safely Gathered In. I let it rise, no problems. Then, I went to add the rest of the ingredients. For whatever reason, instead of adding half a cup, I added two cups. In an attempt to salvage the batch, I dumped in every speck of flour I had left. We made bread with it anyway, and it turned out like a weird ciabatta/english muffin bread. While I don't like it, someone in the house will eat it.

I really wish everything would just work out well. I'm super stressed about the move. It doesn't even feel like my anxiety meds are working anymore. I feel so sick and my heart is going crazy. I'm going to call the doctor Monday morning. I know I need to start watching what I'm eating and such. Though it's trite - I'm starting tomorrow. I am hopeful that it will calm my symptoms.

New House Project

We still don't quite have a mortgage yet. I need to find a way to get my salary increase to start a month early. We'll see how that goes when I meet with the principal tomorrow.

Since I've been surfing the blogs out there, I keep reading blogs of LDS mothers. I've decided that once we get into the house, I'm going to make 72 hour kits and 3-month storage. I'm not going to do long term storage mostly because I'm a bit afraid of it. But the two projects upon which I'm embarking should be good enough to start. I've always been interested in preparedness, ever since I was a kid. And considering I've been looking into more homemade goods and food storage anyway, this should be fun!

An Experiment with Good Results

Last night, I sucked up my pride and doubt and prayed for help with our mortgage problems. It felt really good, very calming. Be it intervention or coincidence, we actually got a mortgage today (I think) from someone new. We will go tomorrow to sign papers and actually figure out what's going on. I'm really hoping we can still move in on or before June 16th. We have only one more week here. We are not NEARLY packed yet. Tomorrow I plan to:

• Finish reading and homework
• Pack the bedroom and leftover DVDs
• Pack the kitchen
• Meet with the mortgage guy
• Pick up Serena from Barnes and Noble
• TRY to enjoy class

I love my cat. She's being uncharacteristically nice tonight. She's a purr-er, loving all over me. I don't know what got into her, but I like it!

Figuring Myself Out

I've spent the last few nights reading random blogs. I have no idea who these people are, but I feel connected to them in some strange way. Reading a woman's blog from Australia, I got a new perspective on what June means to me. I've been drawn to young mother's stories. Generally, they're housewives who like to cook and live simply. Surprisingly, most of them are fairly religious.

Every night, after my college classes, I listen to religious radio. I'm not particularly spiritual or religious. I'm still vague on my beliefs in God, and even moreso on my beliefs in Jesus. But I find the basic messages comforting and appealing. Rather than feel guilty about not knowing where I stand, I'm going to take baby steps and discover in my own time what I believe.

School is over for the summer. I've still got parents driving me nuts, but at least I have a break. I've gotten tons of ideas from my college classes that I will use for my classes next year.

We found out today we were turned down for a loan. We're hoping they reconsider as I got a HUGE raise that should make us more appealing loan-wise. I am really unhappy with the service from our mortgage broker though. I will never recommend him again.

This summer I plan to read a lot more. My first for-fun read is going to be Serena by Ron Rash. I have two books to read for school as well. I am more than open for suggestions.

Lots to Do and No Willpower

We move anywhere from less than a week to 10 days from today. Bubs has helped a lot, but I need to pick up the pace. I can't bring myself to pack any more! Tomorrow, I plan on:

1. Cleaning the kitchen.
2. Putting the pots and pans in boxes.
3. Making zucchini and carrot bread.
4. Finishing the laundry.
5. Packing the bathroom.
6. Packing the miscellanea that sits next to and on top of the desk.

We also talked about not getting cable in our new house. I think it's beneficial to get rid of the television as much as possible. We still have and love our DVDs, so we won't miss the random shows too much. I'm hoping that without the TV, I can get back into reading more. I've got lots of plans for our new place, and I'm excited to be going! I'm sure I will miss our little apartment, though. There were lots of good memories here.