Merry Christmas!

 ⁴ So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. ⁵ He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. ⁶ While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, ⁷ and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no guest room available for them.
 ⁸ And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. ⁹ An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. ¹⁰ But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. ¹¹ Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. ¹² This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”
 ¹³ Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,
 ¹⁴ “Glory to God in the highest heaven,
   and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.”
 ¹⁵ When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let’s go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.”
 ¹⁶ So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. ¹⁷ When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, ¹⁸ and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. ¹⁹ But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. ²⁰ The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told. 

Luke 2:4-20

Becoming a Godmother

*B* and I have been asked to be godparents for a very close friend whose son was born in January.  She will be baptizing him Catholic, so we can actually fulfill the roles if I am the godmother and *B* is a witness.  I've been doing a fair bit of research on my duties in the church in this manner, and I'm very excited.

The mother of this child is not herself particularly religious.  She was baptized Catholic, but I'm pretty sure she never had communion, and I know she wasn't confirmed.  I take it as my job to instruct my future godson in the faith in a way I was not nurtured as a child.   Though we live a country apart right now, I envision sending him his own Bible and letters (emails) about how to pray and lead a good life.  When together, I look forward to taking him to Mass and explaining the liturgy.

One thing I've realized as I've done my research on being a good godmother is that our children will have no one to be godparents to them.  This cuts me deeply.  My brother would have been a choice, but he was not confirmed and has no real religious belief.  We have one other friend who is Catholic.  We've known each other 20+ years, but I'm not sure she'd be a good choice as she's religiously sound, but not domestically stable.  *B*'s family is not religious in any manner, so there are no options there.

For now,  I'm going to invest my energy into praying for my future godson.  I think the only thing I can do is to ask God to send me someone in the future that could show the same devotion one day to my future children.

Midterm Report

I am very pleased to announce that my experiment is working very well!  I've been more happy and had more energy now than I have in a while.  I've been much better with my students, and we all seem to get along more.  Attitude is up, productivity is up, and even grades are up!

I really do think church has a lot to do with it as well as intentional thinking.  Last week, I skipped Mass because it was the first weekend I had to myself in a long time.  The week was long and difficult.  I went on Sunday (and I went to the mandatory school-wide Masses Friday and today, though that's unusual).  I really do feel much better - uplifted even. 

It's funny, when I was in ninth grade, I felt this way.  Then I had a falling out with the church over a number of issues and spent most of high school and college feeling alienated.  I really did.  I looked at this girl who was my RA, and she was always happy, radiant, and peaceful.  She was an active church member.  I remember wanting to be her, but never backing it up.  I feel that peacefulness now, and I'm so much happier.

I really feel my political opinions firming up as I age, too.  The midterm election is nearing quickly, and I've found myself knowing where I stand on issues like abortion, death penalty, fiscal responsibility, political organization, and human rights.  I was always a little squibbly, but I've figured out how to articulate to myself (not others in general) where I stand.  It's a nice feeling.

So in short - life is good.  I'm looking forward to posts from here on out being sunnier and more interesting :o)

Mixed Marriages

I've been thinking a lot lately about mixed marriages. I haven't posted on it because I've been a tad afraid of offending someone, somewhere.  Now feels right.  NB:  It is not my intention to offend anyone.  If I do so, it is unintentional.

In the Catholic faith, ours will be a mixed marriage.  Since *B* is not baptized in any Christian church, this also means that our marriage will not be a sacrament for me. When we first met, I had pretty much given up on any kind of church, Christian or not.  I didn't care, then, what he believed in. Yes, I knew he was really into communing with nature as a form of spiritual satisfaction.

When we first talked about getting married, it was a pretty secular proposition.  As plans firmed up, I realized that I wanted to get married in a Catholic church.  I had done everything else thus far, I might as well.  So we found a priest, and we talked about the three questions we will have to agree to in order to be married in the church:  we have to be faithful to each other, believe that marriage is for life, and raise our children in the church.  He also told us that we needed to go through some kind of marriage class (standard procedure).  We had heard bad things about the group sessions, so we chose the sponsor couple route.

At the same time, I had been developing in what I tentatively call my faith.  I'm still a tad nervous and hesitant.  But I wanted *B* to be exposed to the church, so we started going to Mass shortly after our first sponsor couple meeting.  We've now been going just about two months.

I know that I feel better since we started going.  I at least partially attribute my departure from therapy to feeling more fulfilled after attending church.

In the beginning, it made us stronger.  We would go, and make the drive home, feeling happy and restored.  Believe it or not, it soon started causing a bit of a rift between me and *B*.  I started to try to teach *B* some of the things that would happen in Mass.  The sign of the cross, what to say.  He felt...attacked for lack of a better word.  At least he was there, he thought.  True, so I tried to back off.  I just wanted to help.  Then he'd ask questions, trying to better understand.  And I'd excitedly answer them.  I ate them up.  I came to find myself desperately wanting him to become Catholic.  I've never really cared before.  The worst part is, I don't exactly know why I want this so.

Part of it is tradition.  My family is all Catholic, and I don't really see another religion being possible or desirable.  Part of it is that I want the classic idea of the Catholic family:

Despite what reality may be, I imagine a Catholic family to be one in which the kids are try their best, are respectful, and have complete faith (at least while they're young).  I know that what I'm going for is not necessarily based in religion, but when I see it, I feel a tug.

Regardless, *B* says he likes going to church.  He's even going to Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults (RCIA) to learn about Catholicism, though he's pretty certain he won't be baptized.  He has no problem bringing our kids up Catholic and even being a source of answers for them when they have questions about the church.  

So what's my problem?  I have no answer for that.  I also can't answer a number of *B*'s questions.  It hasn't bothered me so much that I have some doubts about major tenets of the church.  It does bother *B* that he has the same concerns.  Why would he be baptized in a church with which he doesn't at least mostly agree?  But then again, if he's going to church, participating in church activities, why not go full in and hope that you figure it out along the way?  In the midst of this, I question what tenuous grip I have on being Catholic.  Ugh, right now it's the blind leading the blind.

Though I'm sure I know the answer to this question:  is there any easy way to figure all this out?

New Week, Fresh Start

We are at the beginning of a brand new week, and it feels good. 

Spiritual - Today, *B* and I went to church, and discussed Mass afterward at breakfast.  I really enjoyed teaching him about the things that Catholics do and do not believe.  Think of it as the religious version of Mythbusters.

Wedding - We stopped by my grandparents' house and borrowed a longer chain for the necklace I'll wear for my wedding.  All of the invitations are addressed (minus five for whom we don't yet have addresses).  I have the materials to finish putting the invitations together.  They should be assembled next weekend.  We bought a card box, and a blue garter (woo hoo!).

Housekeeping - For the last few weeks, we've been really behind on laundry.  I mean REALLY behind.  When *B* did laundry, it got tossed on our bedroom floor because we didn't have any more baskets, and neither of us had a neither of us had enough time to put it away.  Clean got mixed in with dirty, and it was a giant mess.  We rolled the whole lot of it down two flights of stairs.  We're two loads into it, and all of it is put away.  We can actually see carpet again!

I'm now off to make zucchini bread for my department as a Monday morning treat.  I hope your week goes as well as mine will!

It's Been a While

Who would have thought that I'd blog less when I'm off of work in the summer?

I guess it's just that I'm not sure if I have anything to say that's any different than the last few things I've said.  Bearing that in mind, an update:


~The garden is doing fairly well.  We have a rather large crop of tomatoes right now.  The little lovely yellow squash that I was not talking about shriveled up and died before its time.  I'm now not talking about another friend of the yellow squash on a different plant.  We'll see what happens to him.

~I'm excited that I finally picked a wedding present from my grandmother.  She had been somewhat badgering me to give her an idea for a gift that 25 years later we'll still have and remember they gave it to us.  She's going to have my wedding dress made into a quilt for me.  I've wanted to do this for a while, but I wouldn't be able to afford it - even after the wedding.  It seems like the perfect gift idea to me.  And better yet, she liked the idea, too.

~*B* and I merged our finances a few weeks ago.  I thought it would make life a tad more difficult, but shocker, it actually made saving SO much easier.  We had had a hard time keeping savings for the wedding.  Our last prevailing thought was that we'd put expenses on my credit card and immediately pay it off so that we could get the rewards benefits.  But that means that all savings went directly to immediate purchases (my dress) and not long term expenses (the catering).  I am pleased to say that we have saved above and beyond the cost of our wedding!  Better than that, we have a great system in place for our married (financial) life ahead of us.  My insurance agent is also a licensed financial planner, and he helped us set it up for free.

Each of us have our own checking/savings account for personal things - hair cuts, food out, birthday gifts, etc.  We then have a joint checking/savings/money market account.  Our paychecks are direct deposited into the joint savings account.  We then transfer the money needed to pay bills into the checking account.  This means that anything we have left at the end of the month doesn't get used on something frivolous, it stockpiles in the savings account.  The money market account is currently used for wedding related savings, but in the future it will be for big items, like a roof, a nice vacation, or car troubles.  This is where we can put away our emergency savings. 

~We finally were able to take our FOCCUS test.  This is a test that the Catholic church has couples take in order to determine what things need to be discussed before the wedding.  It's 180 questions, and topics include religion, work distribution, sex, abuse, marriage readiness, finances, and others.  While I am pleased to say that most of it we had already discussed in great detail, there were a few issues whose absence in our conversations became apparent.  Number one of my list is the role of religion in our lives.  *B* and I have been going to church for probably a month now.  This is the longest stretch that I've gone to church probably since I was 6.  I might have gone this long once when I was about 14.  And I know for a fact that *B* has never been to church this much in his whole life.  He says he likes going to church, and I believe him, but I fear ending up like my family, where my mom took us to church while my dad stayed home.  Even as a young child, I knew that my dad thought church was ridiculous, and it was really hard to reconcile the two beliefs in one household.  However it ends up, I want *B* and I to provide a united front to our children.


I think that about sums everything up.  I go back to work next Monday, so hopefully I'll find much more to say in the coming weeks.

Contentment

Today has been a perfectly lovely day.  Last night, I stayed out entirely way too late.  I got home around 2:30 am.  We celebrated a good friend's 25th birthday with the card game Apples to Apples for a good 4 hours.  It was good, clean fun.

I woke at 7:30 in order to get into work on time.  It was a fairly productive time, even though the air conditioning was dead and it was 102 F outside.

I got home, had an awkward email freak out from my dad.  But I quickly recovered by getting out of the house.  We went to our first ever estate sale.  It really creeped me out, but it was interesting.  The house was amazing - probably nineteen-teens or so.  After we found nothing, we explored the local countryside for a good hour.

We found an amazing, inexpensive restaurant in a nearby town.  I had a crab cake, and *B* had the most fantastic french dip and brie croissant ever.  It was really brilliant.  I will definitely be getting that sandwich next time.

After that, we rushed off to Saturday evening Mass.  I don't remember the last time that I went to church two weeks in a row.  *B* and I have decided to make church a regular occurrence, and I'm very excited about it.

We're ending the night with one of my all-time favorite movies, The Holiday.  I love Christmas movies set in Britain.  So much so that we almost had hot chocolate for an evening treat, despite the raging heat wave.

Marriage Preparations

On Saturday afternoon, we had our reception planning.  We're going with - shocker - Christmas themed food considering we won't be home for Christmas this year.  We're having roast turkey breast, mashed potatoes, root veggies, cranberry chutney - yummm!  This will be tasty!  The cake needs to be worked on, because I hadn't even given it any thought.  What kind of cake should we get?  We were thinking a chocolate first layer, a lemon second layer, and a vanilla/chocolate third layer.  I have some work to do.  Well, more work to do - the invitations came in (correctly!) on Friday.  I will be addressing for weeks!

On Saturday night, we met with our sponsor couple.  They're very nice people from the parish in which we are getting married.  We really did enjoy spending time with them.  They have three children - 14, 11, and 9 I believe - so they're a bit older than we.  We did some exercises on how well we know each other and ourselves and exercises on our respective backgrounds.  Soon, we will be taking a "test" to see which areas we should focus on discussing and working through as a couple.  I'm very happy that we are working on our marriage before anything happens, rather than controlling damage afterward.

On Sunday, we went to Mass.  The husband in our sponsor couple had mentioned that he was going to 8:30 mass that day, so we decided to check it out.  *B* even gave me breakfast in bed/on-the-couch-where-I-fell-asleep.  We made it there just in time, even though I was sure we'd be late.  It was much better than the last two Masses I had been to.  I'm thinking that I'm really making some breakthroughs here.  I could really see us going to Mass there from now on.

Simple Pleasure Thurs- errr, Friday - err, Monday?

Oops!  I meant to post yesterday, Friday, but my simple pleasure is exactly the reason I didn't post.  My simple pleasure is reconnecting with my fiancé.

Our first and only real argument, though we never raised voices, was a few weeks ago.  Father's Day to be precise.  We had gone to Mass in a neighboring parish.  I had meant to go many times, but I never got to it.  It was right after Camden, and I had felt really connected to religion for the first time in a while.  The Mass was awful.  Really awful.  I hated it.  But I knew that it was the priest, not the Church, that I was unhappy with.  So on the ride from the church to *B*'s parent's house, we discussed religion.

*B* wasn't raised with any religious education or association.  He had only been to a Bible camp with friends once, and they told him he and his family were going to Hell.  Most recently, he had been exploring non-Christian religious ideas.  I wasn't thrilled with it, but considered it harmless.

When we decided to get married in the Catholic church, we knew we had to answer affirmatively to three questions:

• Have you come here freely and without reservation to give yourselves to each other in marriage?
  
• Will you love and honor each other as husband and wife for the rest of your lives?
  
• Will you accept children lovingly from God, and bring them up according to the law of Christ and his Church?
  
  

When the priest had first told us these questions, he put the third one as "will you expose your children to the law of Christ and his Church?"  *B* was okay with that.  When the priest at the Father's Day mass reiterated the question as posed above, *B* started to get worried.

So anyhoo, the whole way to his parents' house, we talked about religion.  Since his awful experience with Christians (of some Protestant denomination), he was very leery.  To be fair, I was inordinately dismissive of his current beliefs.  Either way, I felt so cut off from him.

Last night, we went out to dinner.  We had been having a good conversation, so rather than going home, we went for a drive.  We got back on the subject of religion, but in a much better way.  I asked him what he actually believes (because even though you categorize yourself, no one believes all of what their religion says 100%).  The things he identified were not mutually exclusive from Christianity, and forms of it are actually present within Christian teachings.  We talked about how unlikely it was that some dude died for something he something he did wrong, even though he hasn't done anything.  We talked about taking the Bible literally versus investigating the metaphors behind the passages.  Then, we got home and picked out the readings for our wedding.  I haven't felt so connected to him in a long time, and I certainly haven't felt connected to him in that context.

Camden

For the past six days, I've been in Camden, New Jersey. When I first signed up to go, it was because a chaperone gets paid $500 to go, and I needed the money for the wedding. I like service trips as well, and I hoped that I'd get something out of it as well. I can safely say not only did I get something out of it, it might have been the biggest proponent of restoring my faith this year.

Camden is a city of 9 square miles across the Delaware River from Philadelphia. The only reason I had ever heard of the city before is that it regularly competes with Baltimore (in my home state) and Detroit for most dangerous city in America. The city has no tax base as the state of New Jersey has abandoned it. All major economic opportunities the city should have (three hospitals, and waterfront property) are squandered. The hospitals are tax exempt, and the state owns the waterfront. Three of the last six mayors have been indicted for their crimes in office. I've seen crime and poverty before, but never so concentrated in such a small area. Below is a picture of Fern Street in Camden taken in (from top left, clockwise) 1979, 1988, 1997, and 2004.

http://www.dvrbs.com/camden-streets/CamdenNJ-Streets-FernStreet.htm

Our school took 12 students this particular week to the Romero Center on Federal Street in Camden. We slept in the dorms that once housed nuns for the adjacent St. Joseph's parish. There was a big living room in which we had all of our prayers, reflections, and down time. In this area, there were inspiring murals and lively colors (though my pictures are rather dark).



The students and teachers really did grow to be close in this space of hospitable yet humble surroundings. In this space, some cried (mostly me), there was a ton of laughter, and there was a fair share of deep thought.

Each morning, after breakfast, we started here with prayer as a group. We then went out to a service site that we selected the night before. Some of the service sites were in Philly, some in Camden. A big part of the work we did was "ministry of presence." For many disabled people, homeless people, or people infected with HIV/AIDS, simply having someone to sit and talk with that is not afraid of them is a great joy.

On the first night, we each had three dollars and organized into families of three people each. We drove to a grocery store and were told to feed ourselves for the next day - breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Though I wasn't one of the groups, some groups were unable to use refrigeration or electricity as if they were homeless. I really gained a new appreciation for those on welfare. In New Jersey, people get 87 cents per person per meal per day to live off of. I can personally say that this is not enough. During the day, I could not think straight, I had a headache, and I was always tired. I even took a nap, which I never do. When children are experiencing this battle during the school day, their attention level and grades suffer, which only perpetuates the cycle of poverty.

On the first day of service, I visited Francis House. This house is a place for people with HIV/AIDS to go and be with other people who accept them. We met a man named Eddie, who used to be an activist. He was diagnosed in 1979 (yes, nineteen seventy nine). A short time ago, he was at death's door, in a coma for three months. By the grace of God, he woke up, though he forgot how to walk and talk. He is still full of joy and tells his story to anyone who will listen. The saddest part of his story was that he could never tell his parents that he was infected for fear of being disowned.

The second day, we took a tour (by car) of Camden. It's amazing to see the destruction and creation taking place in the city. We were able to see work done by St. Joseph's Carpenter Society. The society took one of the most dangerous neighborhoods, where people had to drag the deceased through the street to a place where an ambulance would pick them up, into a gorgeous low income housing neighborhood. The duplexes are sold at $80,000 after candidates complete homeowner education classes. In order to keep a sense of community and keep the houses in the hands of those who need them, the houses cannot be sold for profit until 10 years after they are purchased. Later that morning, I worked at Bethesda Bainbridge. This is a permanent shelter for about thirty men who have been homeless with a history of addiction or mental illness. We were only able to stay a short time, but we were able to perform some housekeeping tasks for them while we were there.

The third day changed my life forever. I will never forget what happened that day. I chose to go to a place called Toviah Thrift Shop. I was warned that the owner, Rev. Larry Falcon, was amazing. I was game. We always talk, in the Catholic faith, about seeing the face of God in others. For the first time, I can truly say I have.

Papa, as everyone calls him, runs the thrift shop only to keep open his ministry to at-risk youth just west of Center City in Philadelphia. This man loves to talk, and we could have listened to him all day. He talks fondly of all of the children he works with. You can tell that he genuinely cares. On his left hand, he keeps a prayer list. We were even on there before we got there. He wears his heart not just on his sleeve, but proudly out for everyone to see. Next to the thrift shop, he is working on a small garden in the middle of a concrete jungle.

It amazed me that he can find inspiration in the most benign things. In the background of the above picture is a tree. The tree is shading his garden and needs to be removed. Though he notched the tree correctly, he sawed 95% of the way through when the tree shifted and clamped down on the saw. He has not been able to move it. When he was telling us about it, he stopped for a second and smiled. He noted that the whole tree is still alive because of the sap running through the half an inch still left joining the two halves. He didn't half to explain to us the metaphor because we were right there with him. I don't have enough time in the day to explain how wonderful this man is. There's a lovely article about him in Philadelphia City Paper. But really, you need to go there yourself.

On the last service day, my time was split between volunteering at a parish preschool and serving lunch to homeless men at St. John's Hospice in Philadelphia. The children were precious. They are graduating next week, and are so full of energy and love, despite the appalling conditions of their surroundings. As for the homeless men, I was struck by how normal they are. I've served in soup kitchens before. I should know this. But when I saw a man that looked just like my dad, I had to keep myself from crying. It feels great to know that you are, in some small way, making a difference for people who are often overlooked.

After each service trip, we had a small group reflection and a prayer service. It really helps to internalize and process all the things we saw and did. The reflections also allowed people who did not go to a site to understand and benefit from others' accounts of their work. At the end of the trip, last night, we had a commissioning ceremony. We each named one things we would leave behind (as in misconceptions), one memory we'll keep, and one thing we'll take away from the experience. I said, and I honestly believe, that I'll try my hardest to find a parish into which I fit so that I can continue service work. I became a teacher to serve others, but sometimes it's not enough. And really, though I'm helping other people, I'm healing myself. One of the passages they read to us was Isaiah 58:6-8.

⁶ "Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
and break every yoke?

⁷ Is it not to share your food with the hungry
and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—
when you see the naked, to clothe him,
and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?

⁸ Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness will go before you,
and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.

I rather liked the way that Papa explained it (amusingly, without knowing they read us this passage). He said the worst kind of occupation is preoccupation. You get on a downward spiral of you, you, you, you, you. Serving others helps you break free of that. I really do believe that by helping others and living a life of service, that I will ease my anxieties and live a more fulfilling life.

That being said, it's past midnight on my first day home and I'm exhausted. Good night, World!

Lenten Service

Lent is not just about giving something up. According to the Catholic beliefs, during Lent, one should practice self-denial (classic examples - meat on Fridays and the fact that I can't have pizza right now), almsgiving, and giving of oneself. It just so happened I did both the first and last in one fell swoop today.

My school has a relationship with an organization called So Others Might Eat (SOME). Every Friday during the school year, 10 seniors and a teacher volunteer time to serve breakfast and lunch to anyone who needs it. SOME's mission and philosophy is actually very fascinating. Their motto is "restoring hope and dignity one person at a time," and they really do see it through. There are a handful of full-time staff in the dining area and many, many volunteers. Each person is greeted with a hot meal, a smile, and "hello sir (ma'am)." The actual greeting isn't scripted or required, but that's how they operate. I served 310 people lunch today and probably served about 400 people breakfast.

Beyond serving meals to anyone (yes, anyone) who walks in the door, SOME provides showers, clothing, medical care, dental care, mental health care, job training, parenting classes, and housing for a number of types of people.

Serving today really made me remember how lucky I am, and how small things can really make a difference in the world. As a part of our service, we did a budgeting activity looking at the budget of a single mother of two who just lost her job and went on Temporary Aid for Needy Families (TANF). It really opened my eyes to the impossibility of living on aid. I've often heard people rail against TANF (which is pretty much welfare) because they think that these people just sit around and enjoy the high life. Let me tell you - it's no where NEAR a living stipend.

Today, I just want to acknowledge that there are places out there that really do good for other human beings. And they rely on us to keep them operational. While SOME only exists in DC, there are people all over the world that need our help.

Ash Wednesday

Yesterday was Ash Wednesday. While I'm not the strictest Catholic, I do try to observe some things. I usually give up something for Lent and follow the no-meat-on-Fridays rule. It doesn't hurt that my school refuses to serve meat on Fridays during Lent anyway. Although, I did get pangs when a guy in my grad class had fried chicken last night.

I meant to make mass this year. I didn't want to go to the before school mass because I had planning to do. So I was going to go to the after school mass. Well, I forgot I had to tutor after school. Long story short, Ash Wednesday came and went without me going to mass. Is this what they mean by "the road to Hell is paved with good intentions"? :o)

Last year for Lent, I gave up "good coffee." This meant any kind of espresso, really. It was the hardest denial I've ever gone through. I craved it and wanted it, but didn't give in. Wouldn't you know, when I was done, I didn't really want it anymore.

This year, I chose something that I think will be equally difficult - pizza. While I don't usually eat school pizza, it is our go-to when no one has the energy or time to cook. I'm not sure what our new go-to will be, but hopefully something healthful.

I've been following a new diet for a grand total of three days now. Today is day four. I'm following the rules I remember from WeightWatchers. I had to choose between paying for the gym or paying for WW, and I chose exercise. I was on the program so long, though, that I remember just about everything. Aside from Mardi Gras, which I did count in its entirety, I've been really good about eating a) less, and b) more healthfully. The no-meat days don't hurt my efforts either. The last time I was (really) on the plan, I lost about 40 lbs in 3ish months. While I'm not stressing over how long it takes, I know that it is possible to lose a significant amount of weight with this program. All I know is that I need to work hard to be able to fit a wedding dress in June.

What a Nightmare or Why the Things You DON'T Put in your Car Kit are Most Important

I've been really sick lately. Today, well or not, I went into school because it was parent-teacher conference night. I didn't touch anyone and I made sure that I stood away from them. At about 5:30 pm, it started to snow. Normally, I live about a 45 minute drive north of my high school. So I know if it's snowing at my high school, it's already started at home. I had four sets of parents not show up with not even an email. So of course, I had to stay the whole time until 8 pm.

When I left, I turned on my radio to calm my nerves and realized that the sermon show I listened to over the summer was on the radio. It was all about heaven and how one gets in. The whole way home, I was praying to God to make it home "happy, safe, and healthy." Wouldn't you know it, He got me here?

Well, he got me to my driveway at least. At the end of my driveway, I started swerving and heading toward *B*'s and our neighbors' cars. I put the car in park, engine still going, and shoveled two little tire tracks up the driveway. Pretty clever, I thought I was. That was until the numbness struck. I was wearing a knee length skirt and high heeled shoes, and the snow was 2-3" high. The tops of my feet froze especially. I have almost everything I can think of in my car kit but clothes and shoes. These are the things I need the most! Just like home, I'm prepared to shelter-in-place, but not get out in the open. Home isn't so bad as my car kit issues, but bad enough.

It makes me think of a time I was a little girl, probably about 10 years old. I had gotten cowboy boots for Christmas, and for whatever reason, I wore them to school. On the way to run errands, my mom's car ran out of gas and I had to walk for what seemed like forever (realistically? 1/4 mile) in the most uncomfortable, ill-fitting boots you've ever seen. Between these two instances, boots and clothes are the first thing to be added to my car kit tomorrow morning.

Overnight, we're supposed to get 3-6". This weekend, we're supposed to get another blizzard! Yay for snow days! I'm loving my job right now :o)

A God Week

Afterthought: I always proofread my posts before I publish them. While the title on this was supposed to be "A Good Week," I think the title that came about instead seems more appropriate.

I think it has been a good week. Monday was a free day (yay!), Tuesday was a repeat of last week, Wednesday and Thursday we did a lab, and Friday was Right to Life Day. On Thursday, my school had a dress down day for Haiti. We raised (drumroll) $15,800!!! I couldn't believe my ears. People donated way past the $5 minimum to dress down. The money went to the brotherhood who sponsors our school. They have been working in Haiti for some time, so they have some idea of how to best help. It may go to immediate relief, or it could go to rebuilding. Either way, I know it goes to a good cause.

Yesterday was the anniversary of the Roe vs. Wade decision. Our school allows (encourages) students to go the the March for Life in DC by taking buses down and having chaperons. More than half our school went. I stayed behind as I did last year. For those of us at school, we watched a gorgeous movie, Bella. It's described as a pro-life movie, but I'd describe it simply as a great movie. I highly recommend it. Afterward, we had mass. After lunch, a man from Ghana came to talk to us about Catholic Relief Services. He was touched personally by their efforts as his parents and two brothers died from starvation, and his older brother ran away. Now, with their help, he has a masters degree and works for them, stressing the importance of education to liberate people from poverty and distress. Finally, we had a concert by Tony Melendez and the Toe Jam Ministry.
He was a thalidomide baby from Nicaragua. He plays the guitar with his feet. He really is amazing. While he wasn't as good as the guest from last year (Jesse Manibusen), I still liked him.

I think I've just about figured out where I stand on the pro-life/pro-choice issue. I don't believe I could ever have an abortion. I think that unbiased education, not slanted arguments like "abortion causes breast cancer," is key to saving lives. I think that crisis pregnancy centers, adoption agencies, and yes, even planned parenthood can help reduce the need for abortions. We can't outlaw abortions while ignoring the causes of the pregnancies. Women who are desperate enough will have the procedure done. Beyond my strong belief in unbiased prenatal counseling, I don't want the government having that much control over my body. We should convince people not to do something, not forbid them from doing something.

Today, *B* and I proctored the SATs at my school. I usually do it, but *B* decided to go too and donate his pay to the wedding fund. Such a sweet guy!

I managed to read a book and a half today. The first book I read was Sarah's Key by Tatiana de Rosnay. It was so great. It's split between a young Jewish girl living in 1942 Paris and a 45 year old American expat living in ~2000 Paris. I highly recommend it. The other book I was working on I'm still on the fence about. It's Revolutionary Road by Richard Yates. I've started it three times now. I'm about half way through, but I'm not entirely sure why it's supposedly such a great book. It definitely doesn't draw me in the way Sarah's Key did. Once I finish, I'll decide whether or not I liked it.

All That I Ponder: Longest Blog Post Ever

Today was the first day of renn fest! I forgot my camera, but I will post pictures before the end of the year. My 7 month old nephew-ish (*B*'s nephew) will be here with *B*'s sister and brother-in-law in a few weeks. I had picked up a "kilt" from the thrift store for a dollar that was really a girl's plaid skirt. But when we went today, I just HAD to go into the kilt shop. And there, I found the most precious little kilt that will last him a few years. So what did I do? I bought it. I'm such a sucker for little kids! As *B* said though, it will be a hand-me-down to our kids in the future, as we plan on going to the renn fest as long as it's around.

As is tradition at renn fest, *B* imbibed some mead (among other things) and enjoyed the experience of a pretty substantial buzz. After his friend left for the night, he started in on me with the philosophical arguments. He was asking the questions: is it better to do for the good of the individual or the good of all? Are fairness and justice intrinsic? Is it responsible to have a large number of kids given that there are a finite number of resources?

One of the things he brought up was my preparedness kick. Is it fair that I stock up on things when other people need things too? (I think it is - I could always give away my stockpile if need be, and I often buy extra food to give to the local food bank.) If I could afford anything, would I buy out entire stocks of things? (Maybe ammo, but only because there's so little of it available at a time. If there was a ton of it in stock, I wouldn't buy the whole thing.)

The only instance I can think of that I bought the lot was yesterday. We had eaten something new that we found in the cabinet - Kashi Fiery Fiesta rice.
It's very yummy pre-cooked rice. I'm definitely adding it to my pack list. At Food Lion, it was on closeout, which saddened me, but that meant I could afford the whole rack of it - four packets. Is it wrong to take a whole bunch if you really liked it and can afford it? Or should I have left some for other people who may or may not have bought it before it was trashed?

I'm still thinking very hard about Family Home Evenings and how to institute it in my life. I do feel that it would be beneficial. I still don't know how I feel about religion. I like some of the LDS principles, but I don't think I could get over the origins of the religion. I like some of the Catholic principles, but they don't talk about personal relationships with God so much. I've heard the quote before "Catholics don't celebrate their faith, they mourn it" (Dogma). I haven't been able to visit many other churches. I've been to a Methodist church once. I've been to a Lutheran church once or twice. The one thing I've really enjoyed was a daily broadcast on local radio that I listened to while taking college classes.

I think part of my struggle is that I practice things that I don't 100% believe are right. I feel like the sooner I get married, the sooner I can feel whole and moral again. Until then, I feel a little like a criminal. I know that if you don't believe in it completely, that you shouldn't do it. But I really don't want to stop. It seems easier just to keep on keeping on. I like living with *B*. I really do. But then again, it just feels...wrong.

There's so much I'd like to know how to do. How do people keep a schedule while being homemakers? I envy the women I read about who get up in the mornings, keep cleaning schedules, and treasure everything they own. When I had off over the summer, I woke up around 10 am, grabbed some breakfast, watched TV, surfed the net, and puttered around during the day with no real end result. I want to be that woman who has a clean, tidy house, who tries new, exciting, and nutritious meals, and who lives a purposeful life. Now that I'm back at work, my life has purpose out the ears, but for those off times and when I have kids (God willing), I want to be a good homekeeper who works with a purpose. Random think I want to know: how do you get old food oil/grease stains out of clothing?!

Real Food

After eating a ton of junk food out in Arizona (including mucho burritos) and seeing some pictures of myself out there (no I'm not posting them), I decided that the second I touched down in Baltimore, I'd eat to live, not live to eat. First thing this morning, *B* and I took a good two hours to grocery shop. He's all into my new quest. Day 1 was a success, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't drool over the thought of brownies. I've learned that often I'm mouth-hungry (craving) and not tummy-hungry (well, plain-ole-hungry). And I've also learned that it's much easier for me to ignore hunger pains than cravings.

So for dinner, I made whole grain pasta, squished squash, and got some steamed shrimp at the store. It was SOOO good! The only downside - that was almost 5 hours ago.

Throughout my blog reading, I've learned a lot about Mormons. I can only think of one family I grew up with who were Mormon, and no one really every discussed it. I got a new perspective when I went to Arizona, though it was only through my family's eyes, who are non-denominational at best. The area in which they live has a number of small Mormon towns in the middle of nowhere. One day, I think I'd like to see what it's like to live in those type of communities. Being raised Catholic, the church I'm familiar with has a long history. I think it would be an experience to talk at length with people of a shorter-lived religion.

Tomorrow, I'm going to tackle my 72 hour kit. I got a book from the library today called Emergency: This Book Will Save Your Life by Neil Strauss. I'm excited to start it. I've learned recently to think of PACE when planning. PACE stands for primary, alternate, contingency, and emergency. *B* and I decided that if all else fails, we're going to my grandmother's ranch. While she no longer lives there full time, it is totally off the grid. She lived there for at least more than ten years, so I know it's possible.

Oh Wow!

I just watched Alton Brown frost a cake on a record player. How brilliant is that?! I absolutely love that idea. Never mind the fact that it could destroy the record player.

Before that, though, I watched 16 and Pregnant. I have a hard time with that show. Though it is more true than other portrayals of teenage pregnancy, I still think that it somewhat glamorizes that lifestyle. I am thankful, however, that none of the girls shown chose abortion. While I wouldn't go so far to prevent someone from that option, I don't believe in it myself.

It may seem as if I have no life what with all the TV I'm watching. But I've actually gotten a fair amount of planning done for next school year. I've come up with some nifty plans, and organized my lessons far more than I ever have before. I'm actually excited about going back to school to some extent.

We went to see two more houses today. One of them is the most precious house I've ever seen:
If it weren't a one bedroom house with the tiniest kitchen I've ever seen, I would TOTALLY buy it. I'm in love with the area in which it's located. I would gladly drive 45 minutes to work to live in that town. Besides that, we really need to get a new loan officer. We don't even know what our price range is anymore. I'm still pretty leery about getting a house until *B* has a steady job, but what can you do.

I've not been very good about keeping up my prayers. Since losing the house, and coming from school during David Jeremiah's broadcast, it's fallen by the wayside.

I Feel MUCH Better

Last night, when I finally laid down to sleep, I asked for help with the stressors in my life. I had a long hash out of what I needed and for what I was thankful. I, then, woke up this morning a full 3 hours after I wanted to be up, better than the night before. By mid-afternoon, I was feeling alright. *B* and I had a nice snuggle and a talk about what's bothering me. Now, I'm feeling much better. I'm still working on the God thing. Above all, I think prayer is working well for me. I don't know why, and I don't know how, but it makes me feel better.

I started my summer classes back up, and Gail from work is teaching my class. This development is good because she knows me, but bad if I don't perform well! I think it'll be alright. I get to go in late to school tomorrow, which is nice.

After class today, I went to Borders. I have a coupon for $5 off of any book, but I couldn't find anything that struck my fancy. So I came home and hopped on What Should I Read Next to find something I like. I'll be back at Borders tomorrow, list in tow.

A few months ago, a Real Simple blog got me to thinking about this question: what do I want my life to be like in five years. Since then, I've been creating a collage (albeit from Google images pics) of what I want in my life in five years. Tonight, I've worked it into something that I think fits pretty well. It's definitely a work in progress as it reflects how one's priorities change over time. Even from the time I first started, my priorities have shifted. But here it is, in its unfinished glory:


It's a tad bit blurry, but overall, it demonstrates the major areas of my life that I'd like to develop. From top left, clockwise: having a home, having a family, traveling here and abroad, and cultivating hobbies.

At the Risk of Sounding Whiney...

I'm really unhappy today. I mean I'm really, really unhappy. It all started when...

I woke up this morning a little grumpy because it was early and I had a late night. Despite all the bug bites up and down my legs, I was good. On the way to my mom's, I even sang a little bit with my radio. I got to Mom's and played with her kitten, Shadow. And off we went to church.

Church. Was. TERRIBLE! The priest barely spoke English. The entire congregation was like a droning mob. There were no insights into how to live one's life. It was, without a doubt, not where I wanted to be. And just like when I was a kid, I got annoyed when my mom enjoyed it. I don't know why, but I did. I was a grouch, but I got through it.

We went to breakfast at Denny's, and I mellowed out after a little while. We had a normal breakfast, and went over to Wal-mart. I was much happier then, and I even picked up some more supplies for my kits.

I played some more with Mom's kitten, then went over to Dad's. I had an alright - even good - time, and got a look at some of the furniture that we are generously receiving when we move. I swung by, picked up some ice cream and food for *B* and his family, and came back "home."

When I got home though, crap hit the fan. I was just hugely grouchy and really didn't want to be around anyone, least of all *B*. He didn't do anything wrong. He's being his normal self. I just wasn't having any of it. I know the catalyst was the awesome post on www.pioneerwoman.com about how she met her husband the other night.

Here's what I want to know - why am I so worked up about having kids already? Why do I love reading about other people's lives so much? How can I satiate this creative need I have inside when I'm not a creative person? How can I get over the last 10 days in such close quarters with everyone? What am I going to do if the house doesn't go through in time?

Even as I type, I feel constricted and choked. I feel guilty that I want to be alone so much. I can't stop thinking about how nice it was in Florida, and I don't mean the weather.

An Experiment with Good Results

Last night, I sucked up my pride and doubt and prayed for help with our mortgage problems. It felt really good, very calming. Be it intervention or coincidence, we actually got a mortgage today (I think) from someone new. We will go tomorrow to sign papers and actually figure out what's going on. I'm really hoping we can still move in on or before June 16th. We have only one more week here. We are not NEARLY packed yet. Tomorrow I plan to:

• Finish reading and homework
• Pack the bedroom and leftover DVDs
• Pack the kitchen
• Meet with the mortgage guy
• Pick up Serena from Barnes and Noble
• TRY to enjoy class

I love my cat. She's being uncharacteristically nice tonight. She's a purr-er, loving all over me. I don't know what got into her, but I like it!