Can't Sleep

I want a family. My family has deserted me. My mom moved an hour away and works odd hours. When we make a date to see each other, she cancels or shows up late after I call her to remind her. My dad is needy and dependent. My brother is rightfully doing his own thing as a 20 year old college kid. My grandparents are petty and sometimes cruel with a side of guilt trip. The rest of my family lives far away.

I used to make up for it by filling that role with my ex's family. That worked fairly well, until we broke up. With *B*'s family, he has nice parents, no grandparents, and semi-distant aunts and uncles. His cousins are not people that I would like to associate with because of problems with drugs, baby drama, and the police. I did love his sister, but she and her husband and almost 1 year old son are in Germany.

I think fairly often about getting married and having children. I tried to go to bed about 45 minutes ago and couldn't sleep. I ended up lying there thinking. The only reason I could think of desperately wanting - no, needing - these things so bad is that I want to have a family in a way that I do not right now. I know, however, that this is no reason to rush things, so I restrain myself. I end up reading tons and tons of blogs about people with families, how to raise children, and live vicariously through it. It's like reading food blogs without a kitchen.

Beyond having a flaky family, I have very few friends. We are friends with three couples, and two of the three live about an hour away. I'm not very close with people at work. Some of it is because I live a substantial distance away. The rest of it is that there is no real way to become friends with them besides staying late Friday nights and going to happy hour. At that point, I'm so exhausted, it's all I can do to drive home.

Even Wicket doesn't like me very much. She'll lay all over *B* with no problems, but if I touch her, she gets up and walks away.

And...I'm whining. Sorry.