Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Getting Back to Normal

Wow, it's almost been a week since my last post.  I'm still trying to get myself back to normal.  When last I left off, my life was imploding to some extent.  The saga continues.

I had a (mostly) good weekend, but things have been coming back to bite me in the rear.  On Saturday, we had a really good time at the Renaissance Festival for the first few hours.  My mom went for the first time ever and dressed up, and we got my future mother-in-law to go too.  There will be pictures soon. 

I got an early birthday present that I feel REALLY guilty about.  We shouldn't have done it.  A renaissance dressmaker I love had a paper up on their shop that said 50% off.  So I was super excited, and dragged *B* into the store with me.  For the last few years, my birthday presents have been renaissance clothing.  Even though I wanted something different this time, the store beckoned and we went.  I tried on two dresses.  One took 15 minutes to put on with an insane amount of help.  Think Kate Winslet and her mother putting on her dress in the movie Titanic, complete with the foot in the back. 

So I tried on another dress that I liked very much.  It was significantly cheaper (by a lot).  I'm in it, my mom and *B* say YES - that's it.  She cut the tags, and the lady quotes us the price.  But it's half off, I say.  Oh sorry, she says, that was just the sale bin.  I didn't see that!  But it's so beautiful.  I've visited it every time I've gone for the last two years, but I've never been able to suck it up and get it.  I can't say that I haven't slept on it and given it some thought

*B* convinced me he'd get it anyway.  I can't believe he did it.  I can't believe I agreed.  I'm ashamed to even admit how much it cost.  I'm way too calculated to let him do something like that.  Don't get me wrong - I love this dress.  It's gorgeous.  I will wear it for many, many years.  It fits me well, looks good on me, and since it's split in the middle, accommodates child bearing years as well as normal years. 

My dress is very similar to the one above, but the chemise is a mint green with slightly sleeves and neckline.  Think an old lady's nightdress, in a totally fashionable, vintage way.  I don't have the plaid part either.  The chemise covers shoulders and decolletage and the skirt area, and it looks very nice.  I can now add to it if I feel like it in the coming years, though it's not necessary. 

So I am at the Renn Fest, happy but guilty.  Then came more trouble.  *B* had been drinking throughout the day.  I have no idea how much he had, but I do know that he was holding his own for a while.  I, myself, had a cider and a half or so over the eight hours we were there.  *B*'s friend showed up, and at that point, he was gone.  My mom was with fMIL, *B* was with his friend, and I was left by myself.  I was annoyed. 

When *B* drinks, he changes.  Not necessarily in a bad way - he's never violent.  He just gets kind of whiny and stuck in his own head.  I can't interact with him.  So I'm being ignored by everyone, and when I'm not ignored, I can't even hold a simple conversation with him.  We have a friend's birthday dinner to attend after the fest.  And *B* is being weird.  Silent brooding ensues.

Then comes the worst part - the parking lot.  We decided to leave at 6 to be down the road and at our friend's house at 6:30.  This is an hour before the end of the day.  There was so much traffic.  It took us one and a half hours to get out of the parking lot.  People kept jumping out of line, driving through the grass and cutting everyone off.  Think leapfrog here.  But I wouldn't - I have standards of conduct.  So we got more and more behind as time went on.  We missed the birthday dinner completely.  *B*'s no help and I can't talk to him because he's still somewhat drunk.  I am seething.

On the drive home, I finally spit out what was wrong.  Yes, I felt guilty about my present.  Yes, traffic annoyed me to no end.  But I was more than mad, I was worried.  *B* has been drinking a lot lately.  He goes to happy hours with friends one or two times a week.  He drinks during Renn Fest.  When I told him what was wrong, he told me I needed to find friends.  I was taken aback.  This doesn't sound like him.  We haven't spoken of it since.  But now that worry is in the back of my mind.  I know that now that Renn Fest is over, he will cut back a lot.  I hope.  I've been turning over all of the little problems we've been happening between us.  Is there anything we can do to get back on track?  Will things change after the wedding?  Am I being too harsh?  Have I changed?  Has he?  Am I too needy?  I've had some problems slipping back into depression again.  Will I have to deal with this forever?  Or will I be okay?

Any thoughts are greatly appreciated.


  1. I'm sorry, I don't have any advice for you (other than prayer!), but I do hope that you work things out. I bet you're really stressed out right now with the wedding on top of everything else.

  2. Oh dear, it does sound like you're having trouble sorting out your thoughts. It seems like a complicated situation, and it's probably made a bit more upsetting because of all the wedding stress. maybe it's worth chatting to a friend who knows you and B well?