Simple Pleasure Thursday

My simple pleasure for today is being even-keeled.  My experiment went better than I can hope, and I can safely say that I am much happier for it.

I also decided that I will post what I'm thankful for on Simple Pleasure Thursday for the month of November.  This week, I'm thankful for being blessed in a down economy. We have good jobs, a house, reliable transportation, and good health care.  I always take time to thank God for these things.  Rather than focus on what we don't have this week, I'm focusing on being thankful for all the gifts we do have.  I'm working the "use it up, wear it out, make do, or do without" mantra right now.  If I can survive it a week, maybe I can work it long term, which would be ideal.

Midterm Elections

I voted today.  I don't think I've ever not voted as long as I've been able, including a primary when I was 17.  Sometimes its been a total pain in the butt to drive to the polling station (like when I was in college), but I've never regretted it.  It's a civic duty.  I'm a strong believer in "you shouldn't complain if you didn't vote."

I realized two things about myself with respect to politics today.

1)  If someone took the money that they were to put toward campaign spending and put it to the deficit rather than running ads, I would probably vote for them.  I'm really over all of the negative ads and sniping. 


2)  Voting for someone does not make someone one party or the other.  One votes for someone because one thinks they will be the best choice for the county/state/country now, not necessarily because they're a perfect match for one's personality.  Their affiliation should not be the first thing one looks for, nor should there be guilt just for aisle jumping.  I can safely say that I voted for people because they were the best option in my opinion, not because of the party affiliation.



Not a sermon, just a thought :o)

Midterm Report

I am very pleased to announce that my experiment is working very well!  I've been more happy and had more energy now than I have in a while.  I've been much better with my students, and we all seem to get along more.  Attitude is up, productivity is up, and even grades are up!

I really do think church has a lot to do with it as well as intentional thinking.  Last week, I skipped Mass because it was the first weekend I had to myself in a long time.  The week was long and difficult.  I went on Sunday (and I went to the mandatory school-wide Masses Friday and today, though that's unusual).  I really do feel much better - uplifted even. 

It's funny, when I was in ninth grade, I felt this way.  Then I had a falling out with the church over a number of issues and spent most of high school and college feeling alienated.  I really did.  I looked at this girl who was my RA, and she was always happy, radiant, and peaceful.  She was an active church member.  I remember wanting to be her, but never backing it up.  I feel that peacefulness now, and I'm so much happier.

I really feel my political opinions firming up as I age, too.  The midterm election is nearing quickly, and I've found myself knowing where I stand on issues like abortion, death penalty, fiscal responsibility, political organization, and human rights.  I was always a little squibbly, but I've figured out how to articulate to myself (not others in general) where I stand.  It's a nice feeling.

So in short - life is good.  I'm looking forward to posts from here on out being sunnier and more interesting :o)

An Experiment

Things have not been so amazing lately.  I'm starting to wonder, though, how much of that is caused by my attitude toward situations rather than my attitude being a result of situations.  I think I've started myself on a downward spiral.  Therefore, I've decided to conduct an experiment.

For this whole week, Thursday to Thursday, I'm going to think positively.  I'm going to let go of the problems of the past, and only focus on now.  I'm going to try to be excited about things I usually dread. 

When I get worked up about a parent's email, I'm going to try to remember that they're just worried about their kid and that they don't mean to treat me poorly.  I'm going to make a list of what I need to do and get it done.  The faster I get my certification done, the less I have to worry about.  I might not be perfect, but I know I can pass if I try hard enough. 

I'm going to try very hard not to stress about the wedding.  No matter what happens, I will be married on December 18th.  That's the important part.  It's alright if a train whistle blasts through my vows (it's possible - and very loud), or if my dress doesn't exactly match *B*'s tuxedo. Because in the end, I'm going to remember what happened more than I'll look at all of the pictures.

I think that if I have one good, open conversation with *B*, things will work themselves out.  They always have in the past.  I think I've been overly critical, and need to let somethings go a bit. 

I'll keep y'all updated.  I'm hopeful that at this time next week, things will be looking up!

Getting Back to Normal

Wow, it's almost been a week since my last post.  I'm still trying to get myself back to normal.  When last I left off, my life was imploding to some extent.  The saga continues.

I had a (mostly) good weekend, but things have been coming back to bite me in the rear.  On Saturday, we had a really good time at the Renaissance Festival for the first few hours.  My mom went for the first time ever and dressed up, and we got my future mother-in-law to go too.  There will be pictures soon. 

I got an early birthday present that I feel REALLY guilty about.  We shouldn't have done it.  A renaissance dressmaker I love had a paper up on their shop that said 50% off.  So I was super excited, and dragged *B* into the store with me.  For the last few years, my birthday presents have been renaissance clothing.  Even though I wanted something different this time, the store beckoned and we went.  I tried on two dresses.  One took 15 minutes to put on with an insane amount of help.  Think Kate Winslet and her mother putting on her dress in the movie Titanic, complete with the foot in the back. 

So I tried on another dress that I liked very much.  It was significantly cheaper (by a lot).  I'm in it, my mom and *B* say YES - that's it.  She cut the tags, and the lady quotes us the price.  But it's half off, I say.  Oh sorry, she says, that was just the sale bin.  I didn't see that!  But it's so beautiful.  I've visited it every time I've gone for the last two years, but I've never been able to suck it up and get it.  I can't say that I haven't slept on it and given it some thought

*B* convinced me he'd get it anyway.  I can't believe he did it.  I can't believe I agreed.  I'm ashamed to even admit how much it cost.  I'm way too calculated to let him do something like that.  Don't get me wrong - I love this dress.  It's gorgeous.  I will wear it for many, many years.  It fits me well, looks good on me, and since it's split in the middle, accommodates child bearing years as well as normal years. 

Image from Wolfstone Kilt Co

My dress is very similar to the one above, but the chemise is a mint green with slightly sleeves and neckline.  Think an old lady's nightdress, in a totally fashionable, vintage way.  I don't have the plaid part either.  The chemise covers shoulders and decolletage and the skirt area, and it looks very nice.  I can now add to it if I feel like it in the coming years, though it's not necessary. 

So I am at the Renn Fest, happy but guilty.  Then came more trouble.  *B* had been drinking throughout the day.  I have no idea how much he had, but I do know that he was holding his own for a while.  I, myself, had a cider and a half or so over the eight hours we were there.  *B*'s friend showed up, and at that point, he was gone.  My mom was with fMIL, *B* was with his friend, and I was left by myself.  I was annoyed. 

When *B* drinks, he changes.  Not necessarily in a bad way - he's never violent.  He just gets kind of whiny and stuck in his own head.  I can't interact with him.  So I'm being ignored by everyone, and when I'm not ignored, I can't even hold a simple conversation with him.  We have a friend's birthday dinner to attend after the fest.  And *B* is being weird.  Silent brooding ensues.

Then comes the worst part - the parking lot.  We decided to leave at 6 to be down the road and at our friend's house at 6:30.  This is an hour before the end of the day.  There was so much traffic.  It took us one and a half hours to get out of the parking lot.  People kept jumping out of line, driving through the grass and cutting everyone off.  Think leapfrog here.  But I wouldn't - I have standards of conduct.  So we got more and more behind as time went on.  We missed the birthday dinner completely.  *B*'s no help and I can't talk to him because he's still somewhat drunk.  I am seething.

On the drive home, I finally spit out what was wrong.  Yes, I felt guilty about my present.  Yes, traffic annoyed me to no end.  But I was more than mad, I was worried.  *B* has been drinking a lot lately.  He goes to happy hours with friends one or two times a week.  He drinks during Renn Fest.  When I told him what was wrong, he told me I needed to find friends.  I was taken aback.  This doesn't sound like him.  We haven't spoken of it since.  But now that worry is in the back of my mind.  I know that now that Renn Fest is over, he will cut back a lot.  I hope.  I've been turning over all of the little problems we've been happening between us.  Is there anything we can do to get back on track?  Will things change after the wedding?  Am I being too harsh?  Have I changed?  Has he?  Am I too needy?  I've had some problems slipping back into depression again.  Will I have to deal with this forever?  Or will I be okay?

Any thoughts are greatly appreciated.

Having a Rough Go of It

Today has been terrible, horrible, no good, and very bad.  All at the same time.  I keep hitting roadblocks with my job.  I want to be a good teacher.  I really do.  I'm just so frustrated.  Here's what I need to do my job:  kids who are respectful, who don't talk while others are talking, who do their assigned work, and who turn things in on time.  Is that too much to ask?

My honors kids do just fine.  We get along well, and we even have some fun.  With my regular kids, all I get are excuses and apathy.  From some, it's I didn't know we had homework, I never got a worksheet, we never learned this, you didn't tell us it was due.  From others, they sit with their head on the desk, not doing anything.  Then at the end of the quarter, I get emails from them and their parents asking for extra credit.  The parents are especially incredible.  They don't care that their child got a 30% on the last test, but if the child said that a homework was turned in and it wasn't graded, then they jump down my throat.


To make it worse, I'm in the midst of trying to get my certification.  I'm supposed to be observed twice this semester.  I have crazy kids, a wedding in seven weeks, and now I've got to be worried about passing observations!  I don't think that my supervisor likes me all that much either, so we'll see how it goes.

Now, in some respects I'm lucky.  I've never been cursed at or had my life endangered unlike local public school teachers.  But it's still not an easy job.  I daydream of the day I can stay home with children.  I have realized, though, that I'm the bigger earner, which will make it very difficult when we drop down to one income.  I can only hope that *B* has managed to move up a little by then.

Stress, Sadness, and Sleep

Yesterday was two months until my wedding.  That, in and of itself, is a good thing I think.  Despite the stress and frustration, I am looking forward to it as one would expect. 

Yesterday evening, though, we got some bad news.  My future brother-in-law might be my former future brother-in-law before we even get married.  He and *B*'s sister, who have been having problems since their son was born, are actually talking about splitting up.  She wrote me to tell me he probably wouldn't be coming.

This is not good on three levels.  One, we really like him and don't want him to go.  He's a great guy and an awesome dad.  Two, we feel bad for their son.  She's American, he's British, and their son was born in Germany.  The boy will have serious custody-related problems and either travel back and forth between the continents his whole life or miss one parent for long periods of time.  Three, BIL was to be in our wedding.  Not just because he's the husband of *B*'s sister, but because we genuinely wanted him there.  So not only will we miss him, we'll be uneven.  Since *B* doesn't have many close male friends, it's not like we could replace him.

Given that this happened just before bedtime, I had dreams about it all night.  In my dreams, no one was really doing anything for the wedding.  *B* and other people in it were just sitting around in a random room.  My dad was in street clothes.  And to top it off, the priest skipped out, so we couldn't even get married.  We couldn't get a refund on our honeymoon, so we had to go unmarried or do a quickie wedding, which was not at all the kind of person I am.  It was a complete disaster in every since of the word.  This is my second wedding dream, though probably not the last.  At least they're dreams about the ceremony going wrong, not about *B* being the wrong guy :o)